Friday, May 16, 2014

Date With Vasectomy



From my actual medical record:
"Vasectomy Pre-procedure Consult:
This 39 yr old male presents for counseling prior to vasectomy procedure. He denies any h/o testicular problems or current dysuria, frequency, or testicular discomfort/pain. Testes w/o masses. B/L vas deferens palpated."


After the Missus's miserable pregnancy and our son being born and his stay in the N.I.C.U., we decided that we would consider ourselves blessed to have one healthy child and not risk the Missus's health by trying to have another baby. 

Since we were told that having a vasectomy is "easy" and "painless", we decided that I should schedule one right away. Not relishing the idea of putting my "
test pickles" in harm's way (thanks to Leila over at "Don't Speak Whinese" for this awesome term), "right away" became a relative term. Relative for a year or three later, when I finally went in for a consultation with my doctor. 

At the time, it didn't occur to me that maybe even "easy" and "painless" procedures such as vasectomies should be performed by a urologist or other specialist instead of a general practitioner.  It also didn't occur to me to notice whether or not my family practice doctor was a farsighted sadist or not. The devil is in the details. 


While being violated, I mean, examined by my doctor, he said, "Oh, this will be an easy one."


“What's that supposed to mean?" I didn't ask. 


Dr. Farsighted explained the procedure, deftly glossing over the risks and possible complications. He encouraged me to stay off of the internet and avoid all "horror stories".


"If it's so 'easy' and 'painless', why are there 'horror stories'?" I ask. Dr. Sadist just chuckled, handed me a "
Preparing for yourVasectomy" pamphlet, told me to schedule an appointment with his nurse, and stock up on frozen peas. 

"Frozen peas?" I naively asked. 


"It's in the 
pamphlet", he assured me.

The adventure continues here: I Jogged Home From My Vasectomy

12 comments:

  1. You are a stronger man then my own husband, who has told me he came into this world with this and is leaving the world the same way. So, I have taken to getting an IUD, because we too are done here with our two.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could always threaten to put a lid on the honey pot until he gives in. Just a thought.

      Delete
  2. Too bad I got to you with my post already. I was laughing though when he mentioned "Oh this will be an easy one" during his examination. How could he tell?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure how he could tell either, Chris. It's funny now though!

      Delete
  3. Yikes! It's good advice about the peas though--- lots of bags = being able to rotate them and not going any amount of time without the ice effect! Hope everything goes smoothly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will never look at frozen peas the same way!

      Delete
  4. I took the hit on this one. Kudos to you for taking the hit over at your place. :) No matter who does it, it's just not a pretty thing. Thanks for the laugh though, and the new term.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, somebody had to do it, right, Rosey?

      Delete
  5. 1. The frozen peas picture made me laugh right away.
    2. Later I found myself nodding that yes, you should get the peas (so I've been told).
    3. I did a Beavis and Butthead laugh at "Testes w/o masses."
    4. Oh. My. Word. When you find out what "Oh, this will be an easy one" means, do tell!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The whole thing is funny (and painful).

      Delete
  6. And now I am not going to be able to get that thought out of my head every time I take a bag of peas out of the freezer! Thanks for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete