From my actual medical record:
"Vasectomy Pre-procedure Consult:
This 39 yr old male presents for counseling prior to vasectomy procedure. He denies any h/o testicular problems or current dysuria, frequency, or testicular discomfort/pain. Testes w/o masses. B/L vas deferens palpated."
After the Missus's miserable pregnancy and our son being born and his stay in the N.I.C.U., we decided that we would consider ourselves blessed to have one healthy child and not risk the Missus's health by trying to have another baby.
Since we were told that having a vasectomy is "easy" and "painless", we decided that I should schedule one right away. Not relishing the idea of putting my "test pickles" in harm's way (thanks to Leila over at "Don't Speak Whinese" for this awesome term), "right away" became a relative term. Relative for a year or three later, when I finally went in for a consultation with my doctor.
At the time, it didn't occur to me that maybe even "easy" and "painless" procedures such as vasectomies should be performed by a urologist or other specialist instead of a general practitioner. It also didn't occur to me to notice whether or not my family practice doctor was a farsighted sadist or not. The devil is in the details.
While being violated, I mean, examined by my doctor, he said, "Oh, this will be an easy one."
“What's that supposed to mean?" I didn't ask.
Dr. Farsighted explained the procedure, deftly glossing over the risks and possible complications. He encouraged me to stay off of the internet and avoid all "horror stories".
"If it's so 'easy' and 'painless', why are there 'horror stories'?" I ask. Dr. Sadist just chuckled, handed me a "Preparing for yourVasectomy" pamphlet, told me to schedule an appointment with his nurse, and stock up on frozen peas.
"Frozen peas?" I naively asked.
"It's in the pamphlet", he assured me.
The adventure continues here: I Jogged Home From My Vasectomy